New Orleans Day 1

Had a very nice flight into New Orleans this morning.  I slept almost the entire flight and upon touch down I probably could have gotten into bed and slept another 6 hours.  Fortunately and unfortunately I stayed awake, largely due to about 4 cups of coffee, and enjoyed some very worthwhile conversation with my in laws.  Had some nice sushi tonight for dinner and then we headed to mid city rock and bowl for some beers and bowling.  We bowled for 2 hours and then headed home very satisfied.  From what I've written so far it probably seems safe to assume I had a wonderful evening, and I did, on most levels. In complete honesty I really had to fight, against an overwhelming part of my fear, to not check out.  I don't really know why New Orleans seems to scare me on a level that really hits me right in the stones.  Perhaps it was the incredibly deep and shameful hole I dug myself into last time I lived here or maybe I'm worried that the friends and family that I have here only remember as the guy who just hated everything about New Orleans and took part of their family away.  Either way I think I can honestly say that no one actually thinks any of this shit that I just mentioned, but I still worry alot about shit from my life down here.  My exit from this city was so quick and fucked up that I know I hurt many people and sent strange, mixed messages to the people who knew me.  This isn't necessarily an apology.  This is just me trying to remember that I am more than what I am remembered as.  And more importantly I need to live in the moment, away from trying to discern what other people are thinking about me and the shit that I've done.  I am who I am today, thats all I have to offer.  I love who I am now.  Thanks for reading some heavy shit about me, its not the light and fun stuff I tend to write in these paragraphs, but It was what I needed to say tonight.

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MORE I'S

Hidden second nature,
Surprising daybreak allows illumination
To fall upon a trail, blazed.
Bushwhacked and broken;
Many feet have drawn
This line
In the dark.
I fear my duality
Employs inferi,
Beasts of programming
And simple skill.
Head down, Eyes locked.
Follow and retrieve a somber memory
Hidden from conscious self.
A map to the stars
Of a sleeping land.
Familiar finger smudges, dog eared, and yellowed
By one thousand campfire nights.

I am Steve Ewing.
They are Steve Ewing.

Mirrored caves hide
Spies and imps; winged demons with fat bellies
From easily won spoils.
Stationary reflections are forced
From current perspective
By a hurried origin.
Tired and alarmed
This traveler, in the dark,
Plays Watson to himself.

"Where are the clues?"
"All of this seems like Deja Vu."

Body weakens
To necessities of nature.
Rest takes hold
Until the mind rouses.
Solace of daybreak has come.
The need for hunting has ended.
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