ARBEIT MACHT FREI

I worked on DJ Puppyflex all day.  It was awesome.
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ARBEIT MACHT FREI

Fear nips
In swarming effect
And I am left
Chastised
By expectations
I'm convinced
I used to meet.
My belief belies my cycle.
One by one
Aligning dominos
Unstoppable.
Final ivory stand
Against brother and sister
Grasps at sheer faces
Balance lost
All is lost
Death and awakening
Aware
Of inconvenient illusion
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Plop

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GOO

Crafting thick, tasteless syrup.
Essentiality is the reason.
What will keep the car in "running" order?
How much is too much?
How much is too little?
Fat bellies do not wait,
They have no reason to feel
Anything.
What inconvenience.
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White.

_______________________________

JUST WORDS

I misunderstood
Those words.
Degrees from heartbreak
Causal effects of unconscious extrapolation.
Mt. Crumpit will not be forgiving
This time.
Inner Cindy scandalized
By accidental lies and treachery.
They share betrayal regardless.
Hoping isn't good enough.
Don't take me for a fool
I know of dark power.
Old blood hasn't made these choices,
But war machines will come.
Siege.
I kept it secret,
Thats all I remember hearing.
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Quiet

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LISTEN AND MOVE

Content to listen
To silence
Fall all around.
Backward thoughts
Muffle and double muffle
My head.
Awestruck by physics.
What is coincidence?
Nothing?
Everything?
Plug and chug,
Till a constant is found.
Suddenly, patterns
Pre-existent now processed
Become fact
Only after perception.
Love is a function
Of environs?
If I am alone,
I am nothing?
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Backwards Day.

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SOON

Much more than you know
The circles are widening.
Every step
Is an additive.
To an ever increasing circumference,
Proposed to circumvent
Acknowledgment.
Waffle tread worn
And wasted
On false starts and pacing;
A race in it's own right.
Blocks await,
Angled foot holds
Pointing forward.
Obsession over weight
Reasons to stall.
The wait begins and rain falls
Tempest becomes sister
One's only family
As bastion of freedom
Claiming sanctuary
And giving needed rest
To the weary.
Broken back and turned feet
Researched by solved science.
Start to end.
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Small hands, smell like cabbage.

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BARKER

Come one, come all!
Enter the gallery
Of the given
Up.
Future easily predicted.
How simple it is to know.
Will it drive you mad?
Take it into your hands.
Take your life in spite?
Who knows!
Spin the wheel of homogeny.
Only you can decide what you will know.
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Why does grandpa always look angry?

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UNLIKELY SOURCE

The long arm of the law,
The law of self
Deprecation.
Far reaching
And strong.
I have run from dreams
And love
Many times
In fear of wandering
Like the sour faced overseer.
Blue hearted
Whose presence stopped even the wind.
Speechless hate
An aura of drainage.
What is a worthy cause old man?
A life well lived
Seems a fable
To these sore eyes;
Smoked and burning
From a camp never broken.
I still must learn
From you.
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Where did you learn this shit?

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SOOTHSAYING ISN'T A HOBBY

Bogus hope
In Miracles.
Waiting like children
Upon the sounds of sleigh bells.
Humanity glares,
No.
It sneers.  Gritting teeth
And bearing disgust.
Breathing hot breath
Into soft skinned faces
And burning powdered noses
With acrid stink.
Admitting order elusive here
Feels oppressive.
Taught to play life
Like a hand of cards,
Only wishing
Everything had a reason
So the good could have a hero
And the bad could have a villian.
What's in a name?
Everything some say.
Definition.
An oddly cruel box,
Allowing the vague to take shape
Locking change from reality.
Would you ration water
If you live by the river?
Perception, a slave to desire.
An attempt to keep from losing
One's mind
When faced by the raging sea and barren wilderness.
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What this city needs right now.

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SON OF THE CITY

All the money.
All of the power.
30,000 piece order
Just for ears.
Important is an understatement.
Come and go as you please.
The finest food.
The finest women.
Everything a man could want
Glory,
Respect,
Imitators.
The need to be needed
Is strong in this one.
Fight for a cause,
Die for it too.
Still, I have the one thing
You want
But can never have again.
Indentured servitude to a master
As clever as yourself
Seems a waste.
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Droopy eyelids.

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AMBUSH

Sleep and apathy
Are fraternal twins.
Terrifying in the dark
Two brothers wield their force
And lay waste
To man and beast
Alike.
A sorted bloodbath,
Paid forward by a latch ignored,
Broken and left to the dangerous ones.
You've seen it.
It belongs to your house.
Door flattened and blood pooled,
This hasn't been an ambush since the first time.

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Introspective

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IT'S YOU

Love from a notion,

On a whim.

Take a chance 

On a repeat offender,

One who has attacked

You before.

Unnecessary danger

Never seemed to compliment commitment

Better.

I met the venom

Of serpentine seductress

Licking 

With fang

To strike

Out of presupposed fear

Based on years of living like the deaf

Hand signing.

Change will not grace this doorstep

The learning has been misplaced

And they have chosen 

Static love.

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Brain fart

__________________________

STUCK

Decisions don't work
Anymore.
My thoughtfulness has left
No trace
Since post nuclear holocaust,
I'm a doctor
Without his tools.
Surgery completed
By blunt and crude
Means.
The means of one's truthful surgical prowess.
What is done
Between a man's head and his hands
Is all there is.
Murder, Life, Birth
All are caressed
By rough palm and callus.
The same palm from which fear sprang.
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In it.

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ADRIAN

I'm never clever
When I'm under the weather.
But what does being clever
Have to do with the weather?
I could tuck tail are run
Sever ties with forever
But I'll never succumb
To this gray gloomy weather.
Try as I may
I will never say never.
And hard as it is
I will never surrender.
But this gray gloom and snow
Makes it hard to remember,
That no matter the season
I'm still a contender.
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So it begins.

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THE GRIND

Unexpressed annoyance
At words
You never even try to form.
The senseless parts
Stirring inside
To propel a carnal need:
Cover up.
Embarrassment of a woman,
Grown but still broken.
Alibis of old transcripts
And screenplays.
This emotional burka is hot and heavy.
In all the wrong ways.
In all the wrong places.
Go
Try the shoes beside you.
It's just as hard as you think.
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Bad day

What a ridiculous day.  I tried to change my own oil and lets just say it didn't work out.  5 trips to ann arbor and an appointment at the auto shop later left me feeling pretty incompetent.  None of the problems I encountered today were a result of anything I did except for the problem of tearing myself a new one for not being able to use an acetylene torch.  Who the fuck knows how to use one.  Seriously if anyone knows please post info.  Bad day blah blah blah.

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REGURGITATE

I can cry
Till' my soul flips inside out
From my body heaving
Inevitably.
Flashes
On slippery slopes
Ignite
By crude
Black departure
From the authenticity of my worry.
Love comes in many foreign forms.
Some rain like live shells,
Others swaddle you a babe
Be weary the conqueror,
Lying in wait
To attack scaffolding.
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Of boats and such.

I once fell in love.  With nothing.  Nothing was a kind mistress.... Requiring nothing and wanting nothing until the day I wanted something.
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OOPS

The Titanic
Was built to sink.
A modern marvel,
Destined for seabed slumber.
Careful men, women and children
Cried aloud
Certain of innocent demise,
But were ignored,
And sent to breath deep
Death's cold body
And share a fateful story
With a metal goliath
Far more memorable.
I'm sure a question was asked,
But none remember
The point of it,
As the defeat of man
Felt far more important.
And death
Was an innumerable
Crushing weight.
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One's brighter self

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BRIGHTER

I used to run in circles
Of all knowing belief.
Salty taste of messy provings
Run languidly
To pool at hand and hilt,
Ripe with hewn flesh.
Only in that moment was there desire
For semi-righteous reversal.
A spectacle made,
Of self
And misunderstanding of old plots
Weary of new, too brilliant participants;
Party planners of death's coming.
Storied notions of the perfect
"Everything"
Prevailed and passed through my mind
A lucid dream
One that means to define
Moves to come.

A shootout in full tilt.
Lone gunman crosshairs set
On sublime specters
Dissipating vapors, marking traces of bullets
Boiling air with their obsession.
Omniscient eye to behold
The lonely gunman
Rises like the sun to see
Only a man illuminated.
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Learning..... Again

It has just been really hard to write up here.... so I won't for awhile.

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ALL UP FRONT

My pace
Is difficult.
Breath finds me
Aplenty,
But blood runs over
And boils
In anxiety.
A clever anger oversees the mill.
Ensuring flawless uniformity
and efficiency.
Captain unrivaled
Returns home to battered wife and child;
His best reflection
Of disharmony.
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Insomnia. Anyone have a cure?

I don't sleep anymore.  But I always write this right before I'm about to die of sleep depravation.  It's 5:28 am on a work day......  gah.
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LIES

Patience
Doesn't live
Here anymore.
Foreclosure is a forgone
Conclusion.
Do you know
What it feels like
To never move forward
On account of a fear
Of moving forward?

Icy numbness
Frustration at loss
Of dexterity.
Wills do not
Guarantee ways.
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Nighty Night

Zzzzzzz....
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NIGHTLY BITE

It's nightly bite
Pulls brains
From blue portals.
Image flipped and confusion
Ensues.
Up is down,
Left is right,
Sleeping is awakening,
Awakening is sleeping.
The papers on the box
It comes in
Tells you everything
You need to know
About it.
Then it all happens again.
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Back to the great frozen tundra.

My brain has a bit of unpacking to do post New Orleans trip.  I'm pretty cluttered right now but I promise I'll write more about it another day.  Its just still too close to the trip to really sink my teeth into it just yet.  Thanks for reading still you guys.

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DEAD NOW

I could do it.
I could count to three
And try to believe.
April fool's saran wrap
Makes a mess.
Unnoticed by the floater.

I'm tired of second lining,
Celebrating the life and death
Of this monster
Mash parade
For a mediocre man.

Wasn't he enough?

Don't matter.
He dead.
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NOLA Day 4

SAINTS WIN THE SUPER BOWL>>>!>!>!!!!!>!!>!!!!!111!!.

Seriously awesome to be here in the city for this.  This has been a weekend really full of mixed emotions for me and I feel mostly the same way about watching the game here in this city, but I'm 100% happy about the "W" here over Peyton's army.  Thats all I have to say about today.... today.
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MAKE IT WHAT YOU NEED

Malleable is
Your hope.
Stretched, bent
And formed
To plug holes
Mend the less
Pliable beliefs.
It may as well have wings
And breathe fire.

Confucius say:
Man confused
About hope,
As hope
Is for
Motivated.
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NOLA Day 3

Spent time with my friends today, it was refreshing.  I really appreciate being able to be accepted as whatever the fuck I show up as with these people.  Their only real desire for me is that I'm me.

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FAIR TRADE

Notable choice.
Disengage,
Honestly.
Fear lives in another town.
I sleep with courage,
The sex is great.
Fair trade is when I get what I need.
You'd know how much I adore you,
If you'd just start standing up to yourself.
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Day 2 New Orleans

Nice night with dear friends tonight, just got home and wrote before bed.  Sometimes I wish I could freeze time and space with some people.

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THE OTHER WALL

Slanted romantics
Have a bird's eye view.
Softly spoken ideas
Flood taste buds
With truffle love
And Sea salt snap.
Bold flavors for the burgeoning mind.
Taste life
And live to eat.
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New Orleans Day 1

Had a very nice flight into New Orleans this morning.  I slept almost the entire flight and upon touch down I probably could have gotten into bed and slept another 6 hours.  Fortunately and unfortunately I stayed awake, largely due to about 4 cups of coffee, and enjoyed some very worthwhile conversation with my in laws.  Had some nice sushi tonight for dinner and then we headed to mid city rock and bowl for some beers and bowling.  We bowled for 2 hours and then headed home very satisfied.  From what I've written so far it probably seems safe to assume I had a wonderful evening, and I did, on most levels. In complete honesty I really had to fight, against an overwhelming part of my fear, to not check out.  I don't really know why New Orleans seems to scare me on a level that really hits me right in the stones.  Perhaps it was the incredibly deep and shameful hole I dug myself into last time I lived here or maybe I'm worried that the friends and family that I have here only remember as the guy who just hated everything about New Orleans and took part of their family away.  Either way I think I can honestly say that no one actually thinks any of this shit that I just mentioned, but I still worry alot about shit from my life down here.  My exit from this city was so quick and fucked up that I know I hurt many people and sent strange, mixed messages to the people who knew me.  This isn't necessarily an apology.  This is just me trying to remember that I am more than what I am remembered as.  And more importantly I need to live in the moment, away from trying to discern what other people are thinking about me and the shit that I've done.  I am who I am today, thats all I have to offer.  I love who I am now.  Thanks for reading some heavy shit about me, its not the light and fun stuff I tend to write in these paragraphs, but It was what I needed to say tonight.

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MORE I'S

Hidden second nature,
Surprising daybreak allows illumination
To fall upon a trail, blazed.
Bushwhacked and broken;
Many feet have drawn
This line
In the dark.
I fear my duality
Employs inferi,
Beasts of programming
And simple skill.
Head down, Eyes locked.
Follow and retrieve a somber memory
Hidden from conscious self.
A map to the stars
Of a sleeping land.
Familiar finger smudges, dog eared, and yellowed
By one thousand campfire nights.

I am Steve Ewing.
They are Steve Ewing.

Mirrored caves hide
Spies and imps; winged demons with fat bellies
From easily won spoils.
Stationary reflections are forced
From current perspective
By a hurried origin.
Tired and alarmed
This traveler, in the dark,
Plays Watson to himself.

"Where are the clues?"
"All of this seems like Deja Vu."

Body weakens
To necessities of nature.
Rest takes hold
Until the mind rouses.
Solace of daybreak has come.
The need for hunting has ended.
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Nola here we go.

Flying out for New Orleans tomorrow morning.  It'll be a nice time with the fam and hopefully a franchise first in the city's future.  I think I haven't been writing the paragraphs before the poems lately because I just haven't had much to say.  I'm knee deep in some delicious mindless activities currently so I have little to report on.  Well thats not true either.  Maybe.  Just maybe, I didn't want to say what I was thinking; not on the basis that it was too intimate, but rather that I'm afraid that if I say things aloud I may have to say or do other things to accompany the already spoken words.  I just don't know If I can bear the thought of lonely words hanging in time and space... Maybe I'll speak up soon.
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PRO

I'm pro.
Snake you in the barrel.
You predicate the thoughts I sow.
Still haven't learned the things I know.
I'm Robin Hood without a bow.
Errant shots fly to and fro.
This sodding mess has retrieved the show.
Remembers lines lost long ago.
True form and shape light up, aglow.
Now flying straight, like the crow.
My plume does shine, bright as the snow.
And cries strike clear of pain and woe.
The time is now as time won't slow.

Along with me loss may grow.
Belief succeeds how, when, and know.
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Come in Moscow.

Insomnia, sry.  Only poem tonight.
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The code you speak
Is a consortium
Of land mines.
After you've tripped enough wires
You'll learn.
As long as the aforementioned left eyes intact.
My sad irony is belief in the code.
A sort of submission
To fleeting, blind luck.
Top speed is my default,
Which leaves little room for details.

What good are eyes anyway.......
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Stronger than you know.

Too late must sleep.... nom nom nom.

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 BY SPIDER'S SILK

Scared mess of marks,

Hasty plans of usual bidding.

I've never even met the piper.

Still snooping after old trails run cold.

Suggestion is masturbation.

A glowing sibling

Of the blinding light.

A habit of ignoring

Fealty called into action assumes coxswain.

Fat and obtuse is he;

The vessel does capsize.

Leaving hope to drift downstream.

Hope's only lover casts strength

To fish out pieces of a lost heart

On spider's silk.

Unfounded strength spindles from bulbous abdomen and spinnerets.

Hidden beneath frond and palm

Are those twin hopes

Awaiting a meal

And room to grow.

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